Here's what other people are saying about Female Friendship Culture. . .

Found another Female Friendship Culture response when I googled myself recently. Sane Twin provides a rather interesting analysis. I like that she liked at least one paragraph of the article. You know what's funny, though? I didn't even realize I was being satirical. I guess I simply thought that the whole media-created impossibility was the satirical part, and that was just genuinely chronicling it. My writing being called satire makes me feel. . . clever and British. I'm not sure that I'm either. :) 
--posted by emily on July 30, 2005

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I have been cited in someone's sociology paper. How cool is that? I am a parenthetical reference. I am a work cited in a list including Simone de Beauvoir. Wow.
--posted by emily on June 6, 2005

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Dear Emily,

Your article in Bitch was a keeper. I must have reread it three times because it made me feel so comforted in the fact that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.
 
I'm curious, since you wrote the article, have you had any luck in forging those deeply bonded girl friendships we're all after? And if so, how'd you do it? I keep thinking that maybe between work, going out and myspace, that I might hit the jackpot, but no luck so far. I have friends that I travel with, workout buddies, occasional going-out friends, but nothing like when I was a kid.
 
Have you thought about maybe getting together with the girls in SF that read Bitch? Maybe have a meet up to talk about this some more? Maybe it'd be a good jumping off point for some girls to become good friends, since it would bring girls together with already at least 1 thing in common. Maybe you could write another open letter in Bitch for this? Just an idea. I'd do it myself but as you can probably tell, I'm not that articulate when it comes to writing.
 
thanks again for your insightful letter,
shari from marin, march 9, 2005

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It was so reassuring to read your open letter in Bitch. Every couple of months I find myself just inexpressibly sad because I feel like I have no girlfriends. I get discouraged when looking for Hallmark cards for my college best friend--a guy who I bonded with over classes and school
bureaucracy, not shopping and body issues. And I thought I was alone until I read your letter, because it seems like all the women around me have the friend thing covered (or they are putting up a really good front).

The worst part is that I'm not even sure I know how to make friends anymore. How do I find the grown-up equivalent of those little second grade girlfriends? Who made the first move that culminated in those slumber parties? How did I manage to root out the other little girls who loved books? How can I recreate a world of friendships when I feel like I've lost that skill?

I reassure myself with my own little mantra--I have plenty of time in my life to make friends. I'm going through that mobile stage of life. As I get older, I'll encounter more women and find more friends. I really hope that's true.

In the meantime, if you're ever in Kansas City, let's have coffee.

~written by S.C., October 31, 2004

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Thanks for the open letter to Female Friendship Culture. I'd imagine that you'll probably hear from lots of women who share your frustration. I've pouted over my lack of a true best friend for most of my life. I wish I could simply blame the media's portrayal of female friendship, but I see real life examples of it as well. I watch those relationships with contempt and envy and wonder why not me.

But I think a key to why some of us are left best-friendless was in your letter. The letter was written with a tone of vulnerability that one rarely hears from other females. And it was refreshing. It made me want to be your best friend and I didn't even know anything about you. Maybe my mom was right when she told me that I'd never have close female friends if I didn't let anyone know that I needed them. Maybe it's time to tear down the walls and stop pretending that we're such strong, independent women that we don't need other people.

Thanks again,
Kristin in Sausalito
October 26, 2004

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How glad was I to finally hear similar thoughts, disappointments and awkward tragedies of the Female Friendship Culture? So very glad.

In my own female friendship meanderings, I have found that every group--be them them radical feminists, greens, hippies, nerd activists, hipsters, scenesters and academics--all have their own rules of membership. And I found, that I was indeed just "not enough" of one thing to fit into that mold of what that specific genre of friendship was about.

As for the Female Friendship Culture, the rules are clear, and the interactions are scripted.

With the women I have befriended, anger, dissent and honest communication are highly undesirable traits. Fashion and style are valued---which extends beyond clothes. Music, books, movies, television, heroes, career goals, travel interests and even the places you live and/or desire to live are scripted. If your entire life is not fashioned by the threads of your culturally-moderated group, you do not belong.

And aren’t we all looking for a partner in crime (or three) that will stick by us through heartbreak and beyond? But I also long for a friend who will stand by my when I am happy, in love, and successful. You can always find a woman who will talk “I’m soooo fat” with you, but where’s a gal when you need her to celebrate the “I’m soooo sexy” moments?

And so I found myself courted to a grown-up slumber party by my best friend, and the questions started rolling around.

“If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead who would it be?”

Appropriate answers bubbled up: Thom Yorke, Bono and Robert Smith. And I, always one to see how far I can push myself outside the circle without falling out of my sleeping bag, said confidently “John Muir.” And the other women paused for a moment, scanned the rock history bank of their brains then shrugged. Next question.

“If you could take a vacation to anywhere in world, where would it be?”

Madame one answered: exclusive, tropical island.
Madame two answered: more exclusive tropical island.
Madame three answered: most exclusive tropical island, preferably with sexy fiancé.
Myself: Aleutian Chain and Australian Outback?

Wrong answer.

And so I was not invited back to such gatherings. I did not fit the mold. And while I coveted my secret victory over “stumping” the Stepford Singles, I also longed for what I knew I would probably never have again, that seven A.M. phone call to get coffee and chat about last night’s date, or that ten P.M. call from the bar to “get your ass down here.”

Weeks later I received an e-mail from “former-best-friend” to join Friendster.com. What a crock! While the commodity of friendship was high on the fashionable list, actually knowing someone and experiencing a diaspora of activities and emotions together was as desirable as a blind date with a econ. major.

Which is where I find the dialogue about the Female Friendship Culture so necessary. At what point can I stop feeling hollow from my absence of a “wild pack of girl friends”? When will my frienships with people of different ages, social status and varying interests make a whole?

So, thanks. I was glad to hear another person questioning the Hallmark cards I receive now and then from my “best friend” from the second grade. Those damn cards never did mean anything to me, and never will. How about an unscripted, heartfelt note next time? The doctor’s orders.

~written by S.A., October 21, 2004

***Have you read the open letter? Got something to say? e-mail me.***